cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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