So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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