i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
