i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
