Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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