never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
