Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
