i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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