Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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