Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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