My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
