Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
