I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
