I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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