I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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