Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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