White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
