When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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