Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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