Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
