Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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