I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
