he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The Olympian is in my bed
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
