my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
me + whiskey = a bad person
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
