Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
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