Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
