dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
