the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
