if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
