Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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