Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
