yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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