Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
