in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Bring me that man meat
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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