I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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