he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
