probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
