sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
