I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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