why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
