If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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