Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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