Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
