Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
