dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
