You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize