you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
