It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
