im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You have to summon your inner elephant
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
