Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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