The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
