Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
