Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He has the fingertips of a God
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
