dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
