I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
