i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
