There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
